If you're like me, I go through periods of time where I have nothing to say, then periods where all my thoughts come together at once. The latter is happening now & the best way to get that out of my system is to blog about it. It used to frustrate me to one end when people couldn't be who they really were/ are to all people. Genuinity, authenticity. Then I realize lately, I do that exact thing!! I hate it. I am different shades of me to just about everyone I know. Is it possible for someone to be exactly who they are to everyone? i am becky. What you see is what you get, no exceptions. Bleh. I think the whole shades of me thing has come from a time in my life of a whole lot of confusion, open wounds & lack of confidence. When your father tells you after 26 years that he doesn't know if he's your dad, you'd be surprised how much of an identity loop that throws your for. I am still not sure what to think about it-- after almost a year! With all that's happened with my family & leaving friendships in Minneapolis, I've really struggled trusting people & knowing whether or not ... or HOW to put down my roots. I think all this is related-- really the WHO I AM is not on the rock. I need that & I have a lot to give to God and sort through. SUCH a process.

Life. Sometimes I am thrilled at the work of art all around me. I see the beauty in everyone's stories. The beauty in creation, in discovery, in culture. Othertimes, life confuses me. I wonder if God's hand really is in our stories or if our stories unwind in a cruel comical fashion. I try to chose to see beauty vs. pain... not always an easy choice to make. Especially in regards to my family. There is a special, confusing tension around their stories. Makes coming home interesting in the least. I just returned from a trip in the midwest. It started Sunday June 29th when Matt's family picked Zoe & I up in Minneapolis to spend some time while I headed that way. I wanted them to know they could do whatever they liked with Zoe since our time would be real limited there. I think they squeezed about as much quality time as they could into two days as possible. The real reason I was heading back in the first place was to celebrate my parents 25 years of marriage. (They were married when I was two going on 3 July 14, 1983.) Anyways, after spending about a day in beautiful Wisconsin, Jodi brought Zoe and I to meet my mom at the mall of america.  My mom was so so so excited to see us. It's beautiful to see her love shine. She randomly saw her neighbor (& our friend Adam's mom) in the bathroom before she came out to meet us. She & her husband had come out to pick their son, Adam, up from his trip to East Asia. That was fun to get to connect with Adam in the parking lot of the Mall of America! My mom & I got some lunch in downtown Minneapolis, then headed to Bisrock. Some backtracking here... the planning for their anniversary celebration started  two years ago when my siblings and i started chatting via email. After months and months of planning we finally all agreed on spending several days out at the cabin together-- just their children and grandchildren. It was amazing to have something everyone agreed on! We collectively decided to keep it a surprise. However, Matt decided it was best to tell Steve what was up so that he didn't make plans that week & wasn't available for the cabin. After that things did unfold a bit, but the celebration did end up playing out well still. It was interesting riding back with my mom. She is a very intuitive woman & she knew something was going on. When we got into town, she got one of her surprises early, Jenny & Peyton. We spent Monday evening in Bismarck, then heading out to the cabin Tuesday-Friday. The celebration days were mainly laid back with boatrides and campfires. We officially completed the celebration Thursday night with a beautiful slideshow Matt made to document their years. He did a great job & it brought back a lot of memories (mostly good!). I missed matt terribly while I was in ND. There's no one i feel like I can be myself more completely than him. The whole time I was back I had to remain real even keeled so that I didn't get overwelmed. And other than not always getting enough sleep, I think i did achieve that. One interesting thing to me was that I did end up seeing a more vulnerable side to several of my siblings. Many moments where they were frustrated, angry, unsure, unforgiving, etc. And I was thanking God that the ones who cause the most trouble joyfully skipped out of much of the activity. I spent the day in Bismarck with Jenny & Andrew and we met my dad for dinner. He really wanted to engage me & see me more ,but I wouldn't have it. (long story) However, I don't think I've ever seen him work so hard to not lose someone. After dinner, Tanya & Scott showed us a really cool park with fun fountains in Bismarck. That night we slept beautiful in my mom's house. Their beds so comfy & house so quiet. We heading back to the cabin on Sunday for the extended family event. This day went surprisingly well. I decided to take a proactive approach. I made fun of all the tough relatives! I wouldn't recommend it at your family gathers, but it worked well at mine. I got to see my favorite cousins in the world, Heidi & Alison, and my favorite cousin-in-law, Dani. After sleeping at the cabin one more night, we heading to bismarck to prepare to head back home. My mom had to drive me to Minneapolis so I could fly stand-by. We drove most of Tuesday as my mom talked about the reality of a blemished past and arrived in the evening. We found a hotel, then headed to the mall of America for a few hours. My mom bought me some new runder bears (underwear) and shirts. It was nice. She took Zoe and i bright and early to the airport Wednesday morning. Flying stand- by SUCKS!!!!!!! We didn't get out that day at all. It was a long day, BUT that did allow us to stay with my good friend Alissa who was so increidible and hospital and beautiful... even despite hte fact that her best friend just died. She is such a beautiful woman-- she learned her friend died and a few days later she left for a mission trip to Mexico. She knew her friend would still want her to go, so she did. By the sound of it, it was really key to her healing. We finally got out of Minneapolis Thursday around 11 CDT. We arrived in Bakersfield around 6:30 CDT. A really long few days, but it was so so nice to return to matt. He is my best friend and comfort and my warrior. I brings so much joy into my life and I couldn't be happier. I am like a lost puppy without him. With him, I am beautiful, creative, treasured. :) Ahhh. :) Anyways, being home was surpringly OK. I knew that if this trip wasn't ok, I would have a hard time EVER returning! That may seem extreme, BUT the last was the 8th layer of hell-- not somewhere i wanted to return to. However, I did so want to celebrate my parents 25 years. I knew that was something worth celebrating. Like I said earlier, I had to keep myself really even keeled while I was there to prevent getting overwelmed. And I knew there was certain people I just couldn't engage. It was nice that at the cabin there are a lot of distractions. And what a joy that the "troublemakers" weren't really there!! I got alone with my mom really well... i saw a whole new side of my sister and my brother. And I keep saying... it went about as well as I could reasonably expect. I was so anxious and so worried and knew this could seal the deal. I was scared!! But wow, it turned out ok. Wow wow wow. 

And that was my unorganized mess of a blog.

Also, that movie is so amazingly beautiful!!